Every minute, hour, day, week and month is a compounding expedition in patience. It is a fine line between tolerance, acceptance and advocacy…further requiring titrations in the way you engage with your hopes while avoiding full submission to your fears. I have been focusing on all the things I can control, like my attitude. For everything else, I have my faith (in God and the advancements of Bartonella Research), and escape through music, memories and nature. Despite being completely bound, finding those moments that make you feel infinite and choosing to live within them, even if it’s for a moment…It’s where I find freedom. I've always lived my life with gratitude, which has been paramount.
As I mentioned in previous posts, My mom moved in with me in 2018 for hip surgery. The plan was for her to stay until I was fully recovered. Little did we know how it would transpire. With the onslaught of decline, mom ended up settling in for the long haul. She up-rooted her entire life, and has become my full-time care giver. There are a lot of things I can not physically do, nor do I have sustainable energy to perform. Mom has been maintaining all that comes with that. This really allows me to focus what little energy I have on the multiple moving parts of this disease and my recovery. It is incredible. I could not be do this without her aid (my prayer warrior) or the support of my amazing family. I can only imagine how hard this has been for her to witness (love you, mom!).
God has a plan, and I am hopeful for the future. He has continued to provide abundant blessings beyond my understanding, EVERYTIME...from Catholic Charities keeping the utilities on- to Timberline Church paying my rent- to those few who donated gift cards for food when mom and I were solely dependent on the Larimer Food Bank - to my neighbors who continue to take care of my yard and help with things around the house- to my amazing landlord who lowered rent until I am back on my feet, to ALL who donated to my GoFundMe page and my amazing pup, Pancake; my gratitude is overwhelming. I have always been so self-reliant, the one offering help so it was so foreign to me to have the tables turned to such a degree. What I have learned is that the generosity of the human spirit is amazing, needing help can feel like a humbling limitation but openly accepting that help takes courage, providing no limitation at all!
Maybe this time next year, I’ll be able to consistently take Pancake on a walk, then maybe a year or two after that...re-enter PT, do some of my hobbies and redefine a career of some sort…who knows, maybe sooner 😊. We will see what I am working with as treatment progresses and how that will further define my future; one day at a time.
I am hoping this Recovery Blog serves as a platform to trend/share treatment progress but also a central location to share some of the recent research in Bartonellosis, as it relates to my clinical picture and potentially your health. I wanted to create a central location to share this journey with anyone who wants to be a part of my recovery and/or similarly struggling with medical adversity. Being such an under-recognized disease in the medical field, the diagnosis and journey has been quite isolating. I appreciate any support!
Dr. Breitschwerdt warned that this will be a battle.
Say some prayers!
Time for this bug to go find a new host...
(or just die, that'd be great, I wish this on no one!)
Check back for updates on progress and treatment!!
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